Boundaries

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and insatiable. No matter how many orgasms are reached, the
desire only deepens, and the inability to say no to one’s lusts dri-
ves one deeper into despair and hopelessness.

Alcohol and Substance Abuse

Probably the clearest examples of internal boundary prob-
lems, alcohol and drug dependencies create devastation in the
lives of addicts. Divorce, job loss, financial havoc, medical prob-
lems, and death are the fruits of the inability to set limits in
these areas.
Most tragic are the increasingly younger children who are
experimenting with drugs. Drug addiction is difficult for adults,
who have some semblance of character and boundaries; for the
child, whose boundaries are delicate and forming, the results are
often lifelong and debilitating.

Why Doesn’t My “No” Work?

“I’m throwing my no away,” Burt told me. “It works fine for
setting limits on other people, but every time I try to complete
my tasks on time, it breaks down. Where can I trade it in?”
Where indeed? As you read about the out-of-control areas
above, you may have felt defeated and frustrated with yourself.
You probably could identify with one or more of the problem
areas, and you probably are no stranger to the discouragement
of not having mature boundaries in these internal areas. What’s
the problem? Why doesn’t our no work on ourselves?
There are at least three reasons for this.

1. We are our own worst enemies. An external problem is
   easier to deal with than an internal one. When we switch our
   focus from setting limits on other people to setting limits on our-
   selves, we make a major shift in responsibility. Previously, we
   were only responsible to, not for, the other party. Now we have
   a great deal more involvement—we are the other party. We are
   responsible for ourselves.
   When you are around a critical person, the kind who finds
   fault with everything, you can set limits on your exposure to this

Boundaries and Your Self