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person’s constant criticism. You can change subjects, rooms,
houses, or continents. You can leave. But what if this critical per-
son is in your own head? What if you are the person with the
problem? What if you have met the enemy, and he is you?
- We withdraw from relationship when we most need it.
Jessica came to me for treatment of an eating disorder. She was
thirty years old, and she had been bingeing since she was a
teenager. I asked her about her previous attempts to solve this
internal boundary problem.
“I try to work out and eat right,” she said. “But I always fall
back.”
“Who do you talk to about this?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” Jessica looked confused.
“Who do you tell about your eating problem when you can’t
take it anymore?”
Tears welled up in Jessica’s eyes. “You’re asking too much. This
is a private problem. Can’t I do this without anyone knowing?”
Since the Fall, our instincts have been to withdraw from
relationship when we’re in trouble, when we most need other
people. (Remember how Adam and Eve hid from God after
they ate the forbidden fruit?) Due to our lack of security, our
loss of grace, our shame, and our pride, we turn inward, rather
than outward, when we’re in trouble. And that’s a problem. As
the Preacher in Ecclesiastes puts it: “Woe to one who is alone
and falls and does not have another to help” (4:10 NRSV).
Such withdrawal happens in our hospital program time after
time. Hurting people will begin to make attachments with staff
or other patients. For the first time, they begin coming forth
with their need for connection. Like a rose lifting its petals after
a hard rain, they begin to relate and connect in the light of the
grace of God and his people.
Then an unexpected difficulty will occur. Sometimes their
depression will temporarily worsen as their pain inside is
exposed. Sometimes traumatic memories will surface. Some-
times severe conflict will occur with family members. Instead of
bringing these painful and frightening feelings and problems to
Boundaries