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out-of-control behavior brings relationship. The family came
together when the alcoholic member drank.
Distorted need. Some boundary problems are legitimate,
God-given needs in disguise. God gave us sexual desire both to
reproduce ourselves and to enjoy our spouses. The pornography
addict has diverted this good desire; he feels real and alive only
when acting out.
Fear of relationship. People really want to be loved but their
out-of-control behavior (i.e., overeating, overworking) keeps
others away. Some people use their tongues to keep other
people at bay.
Unmet emotional hungers. We all need love during the first
few years of life. If we don’t receive this love, we hunger for it
for the rest of our lives. This hunger for love is so powerful that
when we don’t find it in relationships with other people, we look
for it in other places, such as in food, in work, in sexual activity,
or in spending money.
Being under the law. Many Christians raised in legalistic envi-
ronments were not permitted to make decisions for themselves.
When they try to make their own decisions, they feel guilty. This
guilt forces them to rebel in destructive ways. Food addictions
and compulsive spending are often reactions against strict rules.
Covering emotional hurt. People who are injured emotion-
ally, who were neglected or abused as children, disguise their
pain by overeating, drinking too much, or working too much.
They may abuse substances to distract from the real pain of
being unloved, unwanted, and alone. If they were to stop using
these disguises, their isolation would be intolerable.
- What is the boundary conflict? Take a look at your par-
ticular self-boundary problems in relation to eating, money,
time, task completion, the tongue, sexuality, or alcohol and sub-
stance abuse. These seven areas aren’t exhaustive, though they
cover a great deal of territory. Ask God for insight into what
other areas of your life are out of control.
- Who needs to take ownership? At this point, take the
painful step of taking responsibility for your out-of-control
behavior. The behavior pattern may be directly traceable to fam-
Boundaries
