221lessons can be trusted, much more than the unlined faces of
those who have never failed—and so have never truly lived.
Listen to empathic feedback from others. As you fail in set-
ting boundaries on yourself, you need others who will let you
know about it in a caring way. Many times, you are unaware of
your own failures. Sometimes you may not truly understand the
extent of the damage your lack of boundaries causes in the lives
of those you care about. Other believers can provide perspec-
tive and support.
Keith had a difficult time returning money to others when
they had loaned it to him. He wasn’t broke. He wasn’t selfish.
He was just forgetful. He had little awareness of the discomfort
he caused those who lent him money.
One afternoon a friend who had loaned him money several
months before dropped by his office.
“Keith,” his friend said, “Several times I’ve asked you about
the money I lent you. I still haven’t heard from you. I don’t think
you’re intentionally ignoring my requests. At the same time I
wanted to let you know that your forgetfulness has been hard on
me. I had to cancel a vacation because I didn’t have the money.
Your forgetfulness is hurting me, and it’s hurting our friendship.”
Keith was astonished. He hadn’t had a clue that such a little
thing to him might mean so much to a close friend. Deeply
remorseful over the loss his friend had suffered, he wrote a
check immediately.
In a non-condemning, non-nagging manner, Keith’s friend
had helped him become more aware of his self-boundary prob-
lem. He used the empathy Keith felt for him as a close friend.
True godly remorse for causing his friend pain was a powerful
motivator for Keith to become more responsible. When others
in our support system let us know how our lack of self-boundaries
hurts them, we are motivated by love, not by fear.
Biblically based support groups, which provide empathy and
clear feedback, keep people responsible by letting them see the
effect their actions have on another. When one member tells
another, “Your uncontrolled behavior makes me want to stay away
from you. I don’t feel that I can trust you when you act like that,”
Boundaries and Your Self