223Generally speaking, friends of people with self-boundary
problems make one of two errors:
(1) They become critical and parental. When the person has
failed, they adopt an “I told you so” attitude, or say things like,
“Now, what did you learn from your experience?” This encourages
the person to either look elsewhere for a friend (no one needs
more than two parents), or simply avoid the criticism, instead of
learning from consequences. “Brothers, if someone is caught in a
sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (Gal. 6:1).
Replace this parental position with gentle restoration,
understanding that “there but for the grace of God go I.”
(2) They become rescuers. They give in to their impulse to
save the person from suffering. They call the boss and tell them
their spouse was sick when he or she was drunk. They lend more
money when they shouldn’t. They hold up the entire dinner for
the latecomer, instead of going ahead with the meal.
Rescuing someone is not loving them. God’s love lets people
experience consequences. Rescuers hope that by once again
bailing out the out-of-control person, they’ll reap a loving,
responsible person. They hope to control the other person.
It’s far better to be empathic, but at the same time refuse to
be a safety net: “I’m sorry you lost another job this year, but I
won’t lend you any more money until you’ve paid back the other
loan. However, I’m available to talk to for support.” This
approach will show people how serious you are about develop-
ing self-boundaries. The sincere searcher will value this
approach and will take you up on your offer of support. The
manipulator will resent the limits and quickly look for an easier
touch somewhere else.
This five-point formula for developing self-boundaries is
cyclical. That is, as you deal with real needs, fail, get empathic
feedback, suffer consequences, and are restored, you build
stronger internal boundaries each time. As you stay with your
goal and with the right people, you will build a sense of self-
restraint that can truly become part of your character for life.
Boundaries and Your Self