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The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is
angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem.
If you do not realize this, you may think you have a problem.
Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will
help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them:
to respect other people.
Second, you must view anger realistically. Anger is only a
feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room
and hurt you. It cannot “get inside” you unless you allow it. Stay-
ing separate from another’s anger is vitally important. Let the
anger be in the other person. He will have to feel his anger to get
better. If you either rescue him from it, or take it on yourself, the
angry person will not get better and you will be in bondage.
Third, do not let anger be a cue for you to do something.
People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger
of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves.
There is great power in inactivity. Do not let an out-of-control
person be the cue for you to change your course. Just allow him
to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do.
Fourth, make sure you have your support system in place. If
you are going to set some limits with a person who has con-
trolled you with anger, talk to the people in your support system
first and make a plan. Know what you will say. Anticipate what
the angry person will say, and plan your reaction. You may even
want to role-play the situation with your group. Then, make sure
your support group will be available to you right after the con-
frontation. Perhaps some members of your support group can
go with you. But certainly you will need them afterward to keep
you from crumbling under the pressure.
Fifth, do not allow the angry person to get you angry. Keep a
loving stance while “speaking the truth in love.” When we get
caught up in the “eye for eye” mentality of the law, or the “return-
ing evil for evil” mentality of the world, we will be in bondage. If
we have boundaries, we will be separate enough to love.
Sixth, be prepared to use physical distance and other limits
that enforce consequences. One woman’s life was changed when
Boundaries