244feel that way.” “I realize this is disappointing to you. How can I
help?” “It’s hard for you when I have other things to do, isn’t it?”
The main principle is this: Empathize with the distress
people are feeling, but make it clear that it is their distress.
Remember, love and limits are the only clear boundaries. If
you react, you have lost your boundaries. “Like a city whose
walls are broken down is a man without self-control” (Prov.
25:28). If other people have the power to get you to react, they
are inside your walls, inside your boundaries. Stop reacting. Be
proactive. Give empathy. “Sounds like life is hard right now. Tell
me about it.” Sometimes people who give guilt messages just
want to tell someone how hard it is. Be a listener, but don’t take
the blame.
Remember the mother who tried to make her son feel
guilty. A man with good boundaries would emphathize with his
mother: “Sounds like you are feeling lonely, Mom.” He would
make sure she hears that he hears the feeling beneath the guilt
message.
Consequences and Countermoves
Brian was having difficulty with his father, a wealthy man
who had always used his money to control other people, even
his family. He had taught his children to obey by threatening to
cut off his financial support or cut them out of his will.
As Brian got older, he wanted more freedom from his father,
but he found himself addicted to the family money and the plea-
sures it afforded him. He liked being able to take his wife on
vacations to the family summer home. He liked the tickets to the
Big Ten basketball games and the membership in the country
club.
But Brian didn’t like what his father’s control was costing
him emotionally and spiritually. He decided to make some
changes. He started saying no to some of his father’s requests
that were disruptive to him and his immediate family. He
declined to go on some of the holiday trips when his children
wanted to do other things. His father did not like that.
Boundaries