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Blamers
Blamers will act as though your saying no is killing them, and
they will react with a “How could you do this to me?” message.
They are likely to cry, pout, or get angry. Remember that
blamers have a character problem. If they make it sound as
though their misery is because of your not giving something to
them, they are blaming and demanding what is yours. This is
very different from a humble person asking out of need. Listen
to the nature of other people’s complaints; if they are trying to
blame you for something they should take responsibility for,
confront them.
Susan had to confront her brother, who wanted her to lend
him money to get a new car. They were both adults. She was
responsible and worked hard; he was irresponsible and never
saved enough of what he made. For years he hit her up for loans;
for years, she forked over the money. He seldom paid her back.
Finally, after attending a workshop on boundaries, she saw
the light and said no to his latest request. He responded as
though she had ruined his life. He said that he would not be able
to advance in his career “because of her,” because he could
never attract business unless he had a new car. He said that he
would not be able to get dates “because of her” with his old car.
Having learned to hear the blame, she confronted him. She
said that she was sorry his career was not going well but his
career was his problem. These responses were good for her and
good for him.
Real Needs
You may need to set boundaries on people in real need. If
you are a loving person, it will break your heart to say no to
someone you love who is in need. But there are limits to what
you can and can’t give; you need to say no appropriately. These
are not cases of giving “reluctantly or under compulsion” (2 Cor.
9:7). These are the instances in which your broken heart wants
to give, but you would burn out if you did.
Boundaries