269subtle and not-so-subtle violations in your life. Just as radar sig-
nals the approach of a foreign missile, your anger can alert you
to boundary violations in your life.
Randy had come from a family who largely avoided conflict
and disagreement. Arguments were replaced by compliance.
When Randy was in his thirties, he sought therapy for a long-
standing eating disorder. To his surprise, instead of discussing
diet and exercise plans, the therapist had asked him about how
he reacted to controlling people in his life.
At first, Randy couldn’t think of a controlling person. But
after some consideration, he thought of Will. Will teasing
Randy. Will humiliating Randy in front of friends. Will taking
Randy for granted. Will taking advantage of Randy.
Those memories were not simply intellectual pictures in
Randy’s mind. They carried hurt, anger, and resentment. They
were the seeds of boundaries in Randy’s life.
People who can’t get angry when they are being violated,
manipulated, or controlled have a genuine handicap. No “warn-
ing light” alerts them to boundary problems. This light, when
functioning properly, should turn on quickly when you are being
attacked. The Bible describes anger in terms of heat: “Then the
LORD’s anger burned against Moses” (Exod. 4:14); “Therefore
the LORD’s anger burned against this land” (Deut. 29:27). Anger
is like a fire that shoots up within your heart, letting you know
there’s a problem to confront.
Our inability to get angry is generally a sign that we are afraid
of the separateness that comes with telling the truth. We fear that
saying the truth about our unhappiness with someone will dam-
age the relationship. But when we acknowledge that truth is
always our friend, we often give ourselves permission to be angry.
So before you say anything confrontive, even before you set
that first boundary, examine your heart. Ask yourself, “Do I have
permission to feel angry when I’m controlled by others? Am I
aware when I’m being violated? Can I hear my early-warning
signal?” If so, you’re on the right track. If not, this is a good time
to work on finding a safe place to tell the truth. As you are
How to Measure Success with Boundaries