271At one time both Scott and Tammy thought their first
church’s attitude was correct. They weren’t even aware that oth-
ers could understand their no. Now, a year later, they couldn’t
conceive of returning to that situation.
People with immature limit-setting abilities often find them-
selves involved with “boundary-busters.” These may be family
members, colleagues, spouses, church members, or friends. The
boundary confusion seems normal to them—so they aren’t very
aware of the destruction it causes for themselves and others.
As boundary-injured individuals begin developing their own
boundaries, however, a change occurs. They become attracted
to people who can hear their no without being critical. Without
getting hurt. Without personalizing it. Without running over
their boundaries in a manipulative or controlling fashion. People
who will simply say, “Okay—we’ll miss you. See you next time.”
The reason for this shift is hidden in the way we have been
constructed by God. We were created free for one basic pur-
pose: to love, to be meaningfully close to God and to others:
“And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all
together in perfect unity” (Col. 3:14). This fundamental truth
underscores the deepest parts of our hearts. And when we find
relationships in which we have freedom to set limits, something
wonderful happens. In addition to the freedom to say no, we
find the freedom to say a wholehearted, unconflicted, gratitude-
driven yes to others. We become attracted to boundary lovers,
because in them, we find permission to be honest, authentic,
loving individuals.
To a boundary-injured person, people who can say a clear no
sometimes seem curt and cold. But as the boundaries become
more firm, curt and cold people change into caring, refreshingly
honest people.
We need to join with boundary lovers in deep, meaningful
attachments. Boundaries can’t develop in a vacuum. As we make
connections involving asking for support and understanding with
these people, God gives us, through them, the grace and power
to do the hard work of limit setting. This drawing to boundaried
individuals extends to God. Some people will begin finding out
How to Measure Success with Boundaries