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You took a risk to confront me. Who knows—I may even arm
wrestle you for the chair!”
Does this sound trivial? It isn’t. Given her family background
of a mother who made her feel guilty for setting limits and a
father who had rage attacks when she dared disagree, Shareen
was taking a genuine plunge. For her, boundaries were out of
the question until her anxiety and depression wrenched her life
out of control. That’s why the best possible place for Shareen to
begin her boundary work was in her therapy group.
Growth in setting emotional boundaries must always be at a
rate that takes into account your past injuries. Otherwise, you
could fail massively before you have solid enough boundaries.
“This boundary teaching doesn’t work,” complained Frank
in a therapy session.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Well, as soon as I understood that I don’t set good limits
with people, I called my father the same day and gave him what
for. Can you believe what he did? He hung up on me! This is
great, just great. Boundaries have made things worse for me,
instead of better.”
Frank is like the overeager child who is too impatient for
training wheels on his new bicycle. It’s only several falls and
skinned knees later that he begins to entertain the possibility
that he skipped some steps in his training.
Here’s an idea to help you navigate this step. Ask your support
group or your good friends if you could work on boundaries with
them. They will show you their true value in their response to
your truthtelling. Either they’ll warmly cheer you on in being able
to disagree with and confront them, or they’ll resist you. Either
way, you’ll learn something. A good supportive relationship cher-
ishes the no of all parties involved. The members know that true
intimacy is only built around the freedom to disagree: “He who
conceals his hatred has lying lips” (Prov. 10:18). Begin practicing
your no with people who will honor it and love you for it.
Step #6: Rejoicing in the Guilty Feelings
As strange as it may seem, a sign that you’re becoming a
boundaried person is often a sense of self-condemnation, a sense
Boundaries