279Sometimes the large no will precipitate a crisis. Someone
important to you will be angry. Or hurt. Or abusive. The truth
will expose the divisions in relationships. The conflicts and dis-
agreements already exist. Boundaries simply bring them out to
the surface.
Prayerfully make a list of your significant relationships. Now
add to that what specific treasures are being violated in these
relationships. What specific boundaries need to be set to protect
these treasures?
Step #8: Rejoicing in the Absence of Guilty Feelings
Step #6 involved understanding that your first steps into a
boundaried existence will most likely be met by the harsh resis-
tance of an overactive and weak conscience. With consistent
work and good support, however, the guilt diminishes. We
become more able to “keep hold of the deep truths of the faith
with a clear conscience” (1 Tim. 3:9).
You can take this step now that you have shifted allegiance
spiritually and emotionally. You have changed from listening to
your internal parent to responding to the biblical values of love,
responsibility, and forgiveness. And these values have been
internalized in the heart by many, many relational experiences
with people who understand these values. The heart has some-
where to go for self-evaluation besides a critical conscience. The
heart rests in the emotional memories of loving, truthful people.
Evelyn knew something was different inside when she con-
fronted her husband on his critical tirades. “That’s it, Paul,” she
said, without raising her voice. “If you’re not using a civil voice
with me in ten seconds, I’ll be spending the evening at my friend
Nan’s house. Make your choice, because I’m not bluffing.”
Paul, ready to launch another verbal attack, closed his
mouth. He, too, sensed that Evelyn was serious this time. He sat
down on the couch and waited for her next move.
What surprised Evelyn was the absence of her self-
recriminations after setting limits. Usually, she would say to
How to Measure Success with Boundaries