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herself, “You didn’t give Paul enough chances,” or, “You’ve just
got to stop being so thin-skinned,” or “But he works hard and
he’s good with the kids.”
Her group had worked. Her practicing had paid off. And her
conscience had begun growing up.
Step #9: Loving the Boundaries of Others
A client once asked me, “Is there any way I can set bound-
aries with my wife—but not have her set limits with me?”
Though I admired his candor, the answer, obviously, was no. If
we expect others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect
theirs for several reasons.
Loving others’ boundaries confronts our selfishness and
omnipotence. When we are concerned about protecting the
treasures of others, we work against the self-centeredness that
is part of our fallen nature. We become more other-centered.
Loving others’ boundaries increases our capacity to care
about others. It isn’t difficult to love the agreeable aspects of
others. It’s another story, however, when we encounter
another’s resistance, confrontation, or separateness. We may
find ourselves in conflict, or not getting something we might
want from the other.
When we can love and respect the boundaries of others, we
accomplish two things. First, we genuinely care for another per-
son because we gain nothing by helping someone tell us no. It
just helps him or her deprive us better!
The second advantage in loving others’ boundaries is that it
teaches us empathy. It shows us that we need to treat others as
we would like to be treated: “The entire law is summed up in a
single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself ’” (Gal. 5:14).
We should fight for the no of others just as we should fight for
our own no—even if it costs us something.
Step #10: Freeing Our No and Our Yes
“I love you, Peter,” said Sylvia to her boyfriend as they sat
over dinner. It was an important moment. Peter had just pro-
Boundaries