dynamics in which he felt the most deficient. Yet, as he opened him-
self to the consistent nurturing and confrontation of the group
members, something began to change in him. As they held him
accountable for his own fears and deficits, as well as gave him what
he missed with his own mother, he began to notice that he avoided
intimacy less. In fact, he even began to long for it. And his long list
of requirements for a partner became much more realistic.
As Mark continued on his growth path, he found “the right
one.” But in reality, Mark had become “the right one” because he
had allowed his friends to provide the mothering he needed and
thus learned the patterns of relating he had missed the first time
around. When we aren’t mothered perfectly, God will provide oth-
ers to fill in the gaps. He can redeem our early experience, either
building on the good our mother did, or providing basic essentials
our mother may have missed.
TWO CONSIDERATIONS
Many people suffer under the delusion that their mother is the
real problem. Many modern pop psychology approaches promote
the following:
- blaming parents for all of the client’s problems
- focusing only on dredging up “pain from the past” and “get-
ting the pain out,” thinking that catharsis cures - identifying the client as a victim and commiserating with
how bad “Mom” or someone else was - excusing behavior, lack of performance, and failure in love
or work because of what mother failed to provide - encouraging the client to live more in the past than in the
present - arranging sessions with mom, thinking that reconciling with
mom or having mom “own” how bad she was will finally fix
the hole in the client’s heart
What About Mom, Anyhow? • 347