plunked down another bill for the flowers. “Are flowers the best I’ll
ever do?”
Dave’s dilemma would seem at first glance to have little to do
with mothering problems. He just knew he had a problem with his
wife. But the reality is that Dave’s pattern of relating was working
exactly as God planned: we learn from our parents about relation-
ship. In his relationship with his mother, Dave had learned that
closeness could be dangerous. For example, when he was scared
or hurt, his mother would become anxious and fuss over him to the
point that he felt smothered. As a result, any time his wife moved
toward him in an emotional way, his walls went up, and he braced
himself against emotional overinvolvement. He found himself in a
lose-lose situation. While he did not like being cut off from his
wife, he did not like being close either. Either position left his wife
feeling unfulfilled. Until Dave dealt with his fears of intimacy, this
pattern would continue.
Dave’s struggle illustrates the major point of this book: What
we learned in our relationship with our mother deeply affects every
area of our adult life.
DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?
Just as God’s plan for us to learn patterns of relating from our
mothers can end up wreaking destruction in our adult lives, so can
his plan of repair bring change and growth.
As a single man, Mark had noticed patterns in his relationships
similar to Dave’s pattern with his wife: He couldn’t sustain long-
term, intimate relationships. He’d get close to an eligible woman,
even consider marriage, and then inexplicably back off from the
relationship, complaining that she was “too demanding,” or “too
serious,” or “not serious enough,” or whatever. For years he simply
told himself that he just couldn’t find the “right one,” until a friend
suggested that the problem might be him.In response to his friend’s
suggestion, Mark joined a support group that dealt with issues of
intimacy and trust. It was hard work at first as those were the very