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activities and a place to talk for mothers of infants and toddlers.
“On her first birthday—to the very day—my Hillary became
the most difficult child I’d ever seen. This is the same baby who,
the day before, had eaten her spinach like it was her last meal.
The next day, though, it all ended up on the floor!”
Millie’s exasperation was met with approving nods and
smiles. The mothers all agreed—their babies had seemed to
switch personalities around the same time. Gone were the
agreeable, lovable infants. In their places were cranky, demand-
ing toddlers.
What had happened? Any competent pediatrician or child
therapist will attest to a shift that begins during the first year of
life and continues until about three years. A shift which, though
sometimes disruptive and chaotic, is completely normal. And
part of God’s plan for the child.
As infants gain a sense of internal safety and attachment, a
second need arises. The baby’s need for autonomy, or indepen-
dence, starts to emerge. Child experts call this separation and
individuation. “Separation” refers to the child’s need to perceive
him or herself as distinct from Mother, a “not-me” experience.
“Individuation” describes the identity the child develops while
separating from Mother. It’s a “me” experience.
You can’t have “me” until you first have a “not-me.” It’s like
trying to build a house on a plot of land filled with trees and wild
brush. You must first cut away some space, then begin building
your home. You must first determine who you aren’t before you
discover the true, authentic aspects of your God-given identity.
The only recorded instance of Jesus’ boyhood describes this
principle. Remember when Jesus’ mother and father left
Jerusalem without him? When they went back and found him
teaching in the temple, his mother admonished him. Jesus’
words to his mother were, “Why were you searching for me?
Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49).
Translation: I have values, thoughts, and opinions that are dif-
ferent from yours, Mother. Jesus knew who he was not, as well
as who he was.
Boundaries