65The separation-individuation process isn’t a smooth transition
into a person. Three phases are critical to developing healthy
boundaries in childhood: hatching, practicing, and rapprochement.
Hatching: “Mommy and Me Aren’t the Same”
“It’s not fair,” a mother of a five-month-old boy told me. “We
had four months of bliss and closeness. I loved Eric’s helplessness,
his dependency. He needed me, and I was enough for him.”
“All of a sudden it changed. He got—I don’t know how to
say it—more restless, wigglier. He didn’t always want me to
hold him. He became more interested in other people, even in
brightly colored toys, than me!
“I’m beginning to get the picture,” the woman concluded.
“He needed me for four months. Now motherhood is spending
the next seventeen and half years letting him leave me!”
In many ways, this mother got the picture. The first five to
ten months of life mark a major shift in infants: from “Mommy
and me are the same” to “Mommy and me aren’t the same.”
During this period, babies begin moving out of their passive
union with Mother into an active interest in the outside world.
They become aware that there’s a big, exciting world out
there—and they want a piece of the action!
This period is called “hatching” or “differentiation” by child
researchers. It’s a time of exploration, of touching, of tasting and
feeling new things. Though children in this phase are still
dependent on Mother, they aren’t wrapped up in closeness with
her. The months of nurturing have paid off—the child feels safe
enough to start taking risks. Watch crawlers in full tilt. They
don’t want to miss out. This is a geographical boundary in
motion—away from Mother.
Look into the eyes of a baby in the “hatching” phase. You
can see Adam’s wide-eyed wonder at the flora, fauna, and
majesty of the earth created for him by the Lord. You can see
the desire to discover, the drive to learn hinted at in Job 11:7:
“Can you discover the depths of God? Can you discover the
How Boundaries Are Developed