70Popsicles and favorite toys! It’s worth it for them to have the no.
It keeps them from feeling completely helpless and powerless.
Parents have two tasks associated with no. First, they need
to help their child feel safe enough to say no, thereby encour-
aging his or her own boundaries. Though they certainly can’t
make all the choices they’d like, young children should be able
to have a no that is listened to. Informed parents won’t be
insulted or enraged by their child’s resistance. They will help the
child feel that his no is just as loveable as his yes. They won’t
withdraw emotionally from the child who says no, but will stay
connected. One parent must often support another who is being
worn down by their baby’s no. This process takes work!
One couple was faced with an aunt whose feelings were hurt
by their daughter’s refusal to kiss and hug her upon every visit.
Sometimes the child wanted to be close; sometimes she wanted
to stand back and watch. The couple responded to the aunt’s
complaint by saying, “We don’t want Casey to feel that her affec-
tion is something she owes people. We’d like her to be in charge
of her life.” These parents wanted their daughter’s yes to be yes,
and her no to be no (Matt. 5:37). They wanted her to be able to
say no, so that in the future she would have the ability to say no
to evil.
The second task facing parents of children in rapprochement
is that of helping the child respect others’ boundaries. Children
need to be able to not only give a no, but also take a no.
Parents need to be able to set and keep age-appropriate
boundaries with children. It means not giving in to temper
tantrums at the toy shop, though it would be less humiliating to
quiet the child by purchasing half of the store. It means time-
outs, appropriate confrontations, and spanking, when necessary.
“Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a will-
ing party to his death” (Prov. 19:18). In other words, help the
child learn to take limits before it’s too late.
Boundary construction is most evident in three-year-olds. By
this time, they should have mastered the following tasks:
Boundaries