71- The ability to be emotionally attached to others, yet without
giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart. - The ability to say appropriate no’s to others without fear of loss
of love. - The ability to take appropriate no’s from others without
withdrawing emotionally.
Noting these tasks, a friend said half-joking, “They need to
learn this by age three? How about by forty-three?” Yes, these
are tall orders. But boundary development is essential in the
early years of life.
Two additional periods of life focus on boundaries. The first
is adolescence. The adolescent years are a reenactment of the
first years of life. They involve more mature issues, such as sex-
uality, gender identity, competition, and adult identity. But the
same issues of knowing when to say yes and no and to whom are
central during this confusing time.
The second period is young adulthood, the time when chil-
dren leave home or college and start a career or get married.
Young adults suffer a loss of structure during this period. There
are no class bells, no schedules imposed by others, and a great
deal of very scary freedom and responsibility, as well as the
demands of intimacy and commitment. This can often become
an intense time of learning more about setting good boundaries.
The earlier the child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil
he or she experiences later in life. A successful first three years
of life will mean a smoother (but not smooth!) adolescence and
a better transition into adulthood. A problematic childhood can
be helped greatly by lots of hard work in the family during ado-
lescence. But serious boundary problems during both these
periods can be devastating during the adult years.
“It helps to know the way it should have been for me,” said
one woman who attended a talk on child development. “But
what would really help is to know what went wrong for me.”
Let’s look next at where our boundary development goes wrong.
How Boundaries Are Developed