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Obviously, we’re describing the person who has a difficult
time hearing others’ boundaries and/or needs. These people
have been as injured by a lack of boundaries as others are by
too-rigid boundaries.
Inconsistent Limits
Sometimes, due to their confusion about rearing children or
their own injuries, some parents combine strict and lax limits,
sending conflicting messages to children. The children don’t
know what the rules of family and life are.
Alcoholic families often exhibit inconsistent limits. A parent
may be loving and kind one day, unreasonably harsh the next.
This is particularly true because of the behavior changes
brought on by drinking.
Alcoholism causes massive boundary confusion in the child.
Adult children of alcoholics never feel safe in relationships.
They’re always waiting for the other person to let them down or
attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up constantly.
Setting limits is traumatic for adult children of alcoholics.
Saying no might bring respect, or it might bring rage. They feel
like the double-minded person described in James 1:6: “like a
wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” They are uncer-
tain about what they are and aren’t responsible for.
Trauma
Up until now, we’ve dealt with characteristics of family relat-
ing. Withdrawal, hostility, and setting inappropriate limits are
ways parents act toward their children. Over time, these become
ingrained in the soul of the child.
In addition, specific traumas can injure boundary develop-
ment. A trauma is an intensely painful emotional experience,
rather than a character pattern. Emotional, physical, and sexual
abuse are traumatic. Accidents and debilitating illnesses are
traumatic. Severe losses such as the death of a parent, divorce,
or extreme financial hardship are also traumatic.
A good way to look at the difference between character-
relating patterns, such as withdrawal and hostility, and trauma, is
Boundaries