INTRODUCTION

negative,destructivecycles occurwith increasingfrequency
and intensity,which tends tohappen sooner or later, then it
willnotbelongbeforetherelationshipfinallycollapses.
It may appear that if you could only eliminate the
negativeordestructivecycles,thenallwouldbewellandthe
relationshipwouldflowerbeautifully —but alas,thisisnot
possible. The polarities are mutually interdependent. You
cannot have one without the other. The positive already
containswithinitselftheasyetunmanifestednegative.Both
are in fact different aspects of the same dysfunction. I am
speaking here of what is commonly called romantic
relationships — not of true love, which has no opposite
because it arises from beyond the mind. Love as a
continuous state is as yet very rare — as rare as conscious
human beings.Brief andelusiveglimpsesof love,however,
arepossiblewheneverthereisagapinthestreamofmind.
The negative side of a relationship is, of course, more
easily recognizable as dysfunctional than the positive one.
Andit is alsoeasiertorecognize thesourceof negativityin
your partner than to see it in yourself. It can manifest in
many forms: possessiveness, jealousy, control, withdrawal
and unspoken resentment, the need to be right, insensitivity
and self-absorption, emotional demands and manipulation,
the urge to argue, criticize, judge, blame, or attack, anger,
unconsciousrevengeforpast paininflictedbyaparent,rage
andphysicalviolence.
Onthepositiveside,youare"inlove"withyourpartner.
This is at first a deeply satisfying state.You feel intensely
alive. Your existence has suddenly become meaningful
becausesomeoneneedsyou,wantsyou,andmakesyoufeel
special, and you do the same forhim or her. Whenyou are
together,you feelwhole.The feelingcanbecomesointense
thattherestoftheworldfadesintoinsignificance.
However, you may also have noticed that there is a
neediness and a clinging quality to that intensity. You
become addicted to the other person.Heor she acts on you
likeadrug.Youareonahighwhenthedrugisavailable,but