neglectingtoaskforhissupporthefeelssheismanipulatinghimortakinghimforgranted.Hedoesn'tfeel
mistedtobethereforherifhecan.
Iremember onewomaninaseminar explainingthedifferencein Venusianterms.Shesaid,"AtfirstI
couldn'tfeelthedifferencebetweenthesetwowaysofasking.ButthenIturneditaround.Itfeelsvery
differenttomewhenhesays 'No, Ican't doit'versus'No, Iwillnotdoit.' The'I willnotdoit'isa
personalrejection.Ifhesays'Ican'tdoit'thenitisnoreflectiononme,itisjustthathecan'tdoit."
Common Mistakes in Asking
Thehardestpartoflearningtoaskisrememberinghowtodoit.Tryusingthewwordswheneverpossible.
Itwilltakealotofpractice.
Toaskamanforsupport:
1 .Bedirect.
2 .Bebrief.
3 .Use"wouldyou"or"willyou"phrases.
It'sbestnottobetooindirect,toolengthy,ortoemployphrasessuchas"couldyou"or"canyou."Let's
lookatsomeexamples.
DoSay Don'tSay
"Wouldyouemptythetrash?" "Thiskitchen isamess;itreally stinks. Ican'tfit
anything else into thetrash bag. Itneeds to be
emptied.Couldyou doit?"(Thisistoolongand
usescould.)
"Wouldyouhelpmemovethistable?" "I can't move this table. I need to rearrange it
beforeourparty tonight.Couldyoupleasehelp?"
(Thisistoolongandusescould.)
"Wouldyoupleaseputthisawayforme?" "Ican'tputallofthis away." (Thisisan indirect
message.)
"Wouldyoubringthegroceries in fromthecar?" I'llhavefourbagsofgroceriesleftinthecar.AndI
need thatfood to makedinner. Could youbring
themin?"(Thisistoolong,indirect,anduses
could.)