whileSusanneededtotakeresponsibilityfornotsettingboundaries.Jimapologizedforthewayshehad
hurther.Susanrealizedthatjustashehadsteppedoverherboundariesbytreatingherindisrespectful
ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and invalidating feelings), she had not set her
boundaries. Although shedid notneedtoapologize, shedid acknowledgesomeresponsibility fortheir
problems.
Asshegraduallyacceptedthatherinabilitytosetlimitsandhertendencytogivemorehadcontributedto
theirproblems,shewasabletobemoreforgiving.Takingresponsibilityforherproblemwasessentialto
releasing herresentment.Inthiswaythey bothweremotivatedtolearnnew waysofsupportingeach
otherthroughrespectinglimits.
Step 3 :Practice
Jimparticularlyneededtolearnhowtorespectherboundaries,whileSusanneededtolearnhowtoset
them.Bothofthemneededtolearnhowtoexpresshonestfeelingsinarespectfulway.Theyagreedin
thisthirdsteptopracticesettingandrespectinglimits,knowingthatattimestheywouldmakemistakes.
Beingabletomakemistakesgavethemasafetynetwhiletheybothpracticed.Thesearesomeexamples
ofwhattheylearnedandpracticed:
Susanpracticedsaying"Idon'tlikethewayyouaretalking.PleasestopyellingorIwillleavetheroom."
Afterleavingtheroomafewtimes,shedidn'tneedtodoitanymore.WhenJimwouldmakerequeststhat
shewouldlaterresentdoing,shepracticedsaying"No,Ineedtorelax"or"No,I'mtoobusytoday."She
discoveredthathewasmoreattentivetoherbecauseheunderstoodhowbusyortiredshewas.Susan
toldJimthatshewantedtogoonavacation,andwhenhesaidhewastoobusyshesaidthatshewould
goalone.Suddenlyheshiftedhisscheduleandwantedtogo.WhentheytalkedandJiminterrupted,she
practiced saying "I'm not finished, please hear me out." Suddenly he started listening more and
interruptingless.Susan'smostdifficulttaskwastopracticeaskingforwhatshewanted.Shesaidtome,
"Why shouldI havetoask, afterallIhavedoneforhim?"Iexplainedthatmakinghimresponsiblefor
knowingherwantswasnotonlyunrealisticbutabigpartofherproblem.Sheneededtoberesponsiblefor
gettingherneedsfulfilled.Jim'smostdifficultchallengewastoberespectfulofherchangesandnotexpect
hertobethesameaccommodatingpartnerheoriginallymarried.Herecognizedthatitwasasdifficultfor
hertosetlimitsasitwasforhimtoadjusttothem.Heunderstoodthattheywouldbecomegracefulas
theyhadmorepractice.
As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. TTTThhhhrrrroooouuuugggghhhh rrrreeeessssppppeeeeccccttttiiiinnnngggg lllliiiimmmmiiiittttssss,,,, hhhheeee
aaaauuuuttttoooommmmaaaattttiiiiccccaaaallllllllyyyyiiiissssmmmmoooottttiiiivvvvaaaatttteeeeddddttttooooqqqquuuueeeessssttttiiiioooonnnntttthhhheeeeeeeeffffffffeeeeccccttttiiiivvvveeeennnneeeessssssssooooffffhhhhiiiissssbbbbeeeehhhhaaaavvvviiiioooorrrrppppaaaatttttttteeeerrrrnnnnssssaaaannnnddddttttoooossssttttaaaarrrrtttt
mmmmaaaakkkkiiiinnnngggg cccchhhhaaaannnnggggeeeessss.... When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to sets limits, then
automaticallyshebeginstoforgiveherpartnerandexplorenewwaysofaskingforandreceivingsupport.
Whenawomansetlimits,shegraduallylearnstorelaxandreceivemore.