3 .Tofeelbetterandmorecenteredwhensheisupset.(Hestopstalkingwhenheisupset.Inhiscavehe
hasachancetocooloff.)
4 .Tocreateintimacy.Throughsharingherinnerfeelingssheisabletoknowherlovingself.(AMartian
stopstalkingtofindhimselfagain.Toomuchintimacy,hefears,willrobhimofhimself.)
Withoutthisvitalunderstandingofourdifferencesandneedsitiseasy toseewhycouplesstruggleso
muchinrelationships.
Getting Burned by the Dragon
Itis importantforwomento understandnot to try andget aman totalk beforeheis ready. While
discussingthistopicinoneofmy seminars,aNativeAmericansharedthatinhertribe motherswould
instructyoungwomengetting marriedtorememberthatwhenamanwasupsetorstressedhewould
withdrawintohiscave.Shewasnottotakeitpersonallybecauseitwouldhappenfromtimetotime.Itdid
notmeanthathedidnotloveher.Theyassuredherthathewouldcomeback.Butmostimportantthey
warnedtheyoungwomannevertofollowhimintohiscave.Ifshedidthenshewouldgetburnedbythe
dragonwhoprotectedthecave.
Muchunnecessaryconflicthasresultedfromawomanfollowingamanintohiscave.Womenjusthaven't
understoodthatmenreallydoneedtobealoneorsilentwhentheyareupset.Whenamanwithdrawsinto
hiscaveawomanjustdoesn'tunderstandwhatishappening.Shenaturallytriestogethimtotalk.Ifthere
isaproblemshehopestonurturehimbydrawinghimoutandgettinghimtotalkaboutit.
Sheasks"Istheresomethingwrong?"Hesays"No."Butshecanfeelheisupset.Shewonderswhyheis
withholdinghisfeelings.Insteadoflettinghimworkitoutinsidehiscavesheunknowinglyinterruptshis
internalprocess.Sheasksagain"Iknowsomethingisbotheringyou,whatisit?"
Hesays"It'snothing."
Sheasks"It'snotnothing.Something'sbotheringyou.Whatareyoufeeling?"
Hesays"Look,I'mfine.Nowleavemealone!"
Shesays"Howcanyoutreatmelikethis?Younevertalktomeanymore.HowamIsupposedtoknow
whatyouarefeeling?Youdon'tloveme.Ifeelsorejectedbyyou."
Atthispointhelosescontrolandbeginssayingthingsthathewillregretlater.Hisdragoncomesoutand
humsher.