himlikeachild,orhemayfeelshewantstochangehim.
Thisdoesn'tmeanthatamandoesnotneedcomfortinglove.Womenneedtounderstandthattheyare
nurturinghim whenthey abstainfromofferingunsolicited adviceto solvehis problems. Heneedsher
lovingsupportbutinadifferentwaythanshethinks.Towithholdcorrectingamanortryingtoimprove
himarewaystonurturehim.Givingadvicecanbenurturingonlyifhedirectlyaskforit.
AAAAmmmmaaaannnnllllooooooookkkkssssffffoooorrrraaaaddddvvvviiiicccceeeeoooorrrrhhhheeeellllppppoooonnnnllllyyyyaaaafffftttteeeerrrrhhhheeeehhhhaaaassssddddoooonnnneeeewwwwhhhhaaaatttthhhheeeeccccaaaannnnddddooooaaaalllloooonnnneeee....Ifhereceivestoo
muchassistanceorreceivesittoosoon,hewilllosehissenseofpowerandstrength.Hebecomeseither
lazy orinsecure.Instinctivelymensupportoneanotherbynotofferingadviceorhelpunlessspecifically
approachedandasked.
Incopingwith problems, aman knowshehastofirstgoacertaindistancebyhimself,andthenifhe
needshelphecanaskforitwithoutlosinghisstrength,power,anddignity.Toofferhelptoamanatthe
wrongtimecouldeasilybetakenasaninsult.
WhenamaniscarvingtheturkeyforThanksgivingandhispartnerkeepsofferingadviceonhowandwhat
tocut,hefeelsmistrusted.Heresistsherandisdeterminedtodoithiswayonhisown.Ontheotherhand,
ifamanoffersherassistanceincuttingtheturkeyshefeelslovedandcaredfor.
When awoman suggests thatherhusband follow the adviceof someexpert, hemay beoffended. I
rememberonewomanaskingmewhyherhusbandgotsoangryather.Sheexplainedtomethatbefore
sexshehadaskedhimifhehadreviewedhisnotesfromatapedlecturebymeonthesecretsofgreatsex.
Shedidn'trealizethiswastheultimateinsulttohim. Althoughhehadappreciatedthetapes,hedidn't
wanthertellinghimwhattodobyremindinghimtofollowmyadvice.Hewantedhertotrustthatheknew
whattodo!
Whilemenwanttobetrusted,womenwantcaring.Whenamansaystoawoman"What'sthematter,
honey?"withaconcernedlookonhisface,shefeelscomfortedbyhiscaring.Whenawomaninasimilar
caringandconcernedwaysaystoaman"What'sthematter,honey?"hemayfeelinsultedorrepulsed.He
feelsasthoughshedoesn'ttrusthimtohandlethings.
Itis very difficultforamantodifferentiatebetween empathy andsympathy.Hehatestobepitied.A
womanmaysay"IamsosorryIhurtyou."Hewillsay"Itwasnobigdeal"andpushawayhersupport.
Sheontheotherhandlovestohearhimsay"I'msorryIhurtyou."Shethenfeelshereallycares.Men
needtofindwaystoshowtheycarewhilewomenneedtofindwaystoshowtheytrust.
Too Much Caring Is Smothering
WhenIfirstmarriedBonnie,thenightbeforeIwouldleavetowntoteachaweekendseminar,shewould
askmewhattimeIwasgettingup.Thenshewouldaskwhattimemyplaneleft.Thenshewoulddosome