happened.Theywerespendingtoomuchtimetogether.JimandLisaneededtospendmoretimeapart.
Whenamangetstoocloseanddoesn'tpullaway,commonsymptomsareincreasedmoodiness,irritability,
passiveness,anddefensiveness.Jimhadnotlearnedhowtopullaway.Hefeltguiltyspendingtimealone.
Hethoughthewassupposedtoshareeverythingwithhiswife.
Lisaalsothoughttheyweresupposedtodoeverythingtogether.IncounselingIaskedLisawhyshehad
spentsomuchtimewithJim.
Shesaid,"IwasafraidhewouldgetupsetifIdidanythingfunwithouthim.OnetimeIwentshoppingand
hegotreallyupsetwithme."
Jimsaid,"Irememberthatday.ButIwasn'tupsetwithyou.Iwasupsetaboutlosingsomemoneyina
businessdeal.IactuallyrememberthatdaybecauseIremembernoticinghowgoodIfelthavingthewhole
housetomyself.Ididn'tdaretellyouthatbecauseIthoughtitwouldhurtyourfeelings."
Lisasaid,"Ithoughtyoudidn'twantmetogooutwithoutyou.Youseemedsodistant."
Becoming More Independent
Withthisnewawareness,LisagotthepermissionsheneedednottoworrysomuchaboutJim.Jimpulling
awayactually helpedherbecomemoreautonomousandindependent.Shestartedtakingbettercareof
herself.Asshestarteddoingthethingsshewantedtodoandgetmoresupportfromhergirlfriendsshe
wasmuchhappier.
ShereleasedherresentmenttowardJim.Sherealized thatshehadbeenexpectingtoomuchfromhim.
Havingheardabouttherubberbandsherealizedhowshewascontributingtotheirproblem.Sherealized
thatheneededmoretimetobealone.Herlovingsacrificeswerenotonlypreventinghimfrom pulling
awayandthenspringingbackbutherdependentattitudewasalsosmotheringhim.
LisastarteddoingfunthingswithoutJim.Shedidsomeofthethingsthatshehadbeenwantingtodo.
Onenightshewentouttochatwithsomegirlfriends.Anothernightshewenttoaplay.Anothernightshe
wenttoabirthdaybowlingparty.
Whatamazed her washow quickly their relationship changed. Jimbecame much more attentive and
interestedinher.Withinacoupleofweeks,Jimstartedtocomebacktohisoldselfagain.Hewaswanting
todofunthingswithherandstartedplanningdates.Hegothismotivationback.
Incounselinghesaid,"Ifeelsorelieved.Ifeelloved...whenLisacomeshomesheishappytoseeme.It
feelssogoodtomissherwhensheisgone.Itfeelsgoodto'feel'again.Ihadalmostforgottenwhatitwas
like.BeforeitseemedlikenothingIdidwasgoodenough.Lisawasalwaystryingtogetmetodothings,
tellingmewhattodoandaskingmequestions."