becameveryupset,becauseshewasn'tfeelinganybetter.
Hetoldme,"AtfirstIlistened,andsheseemedtoopenupandsharemore.Butthenshestartedgetting
evenmoreupset.ItseemedthemoreIlistenedthemoreupsetshegot.Itoldhersheshouldn'tbegetting
moreupsetandthenwegotintoabigargument."
AlthoughBillwaslisteningtoMary,hewasstilltryingtofixher.Heexpectedhertofeelbetterrightaway.
What Bill didn't know is that when a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported she doesn't
necessarilyfeelbetterrightaway.Shemayfeelworse.Butthatisasignthathissupportmaybehelping.
Hissupportmayactuallyhelphertohitbottomsooner,andthenshecanandwillfeelbetter.Togenuinely
comeupshefirstneedstohitbottom.Thatisthecycle.
Billwasconfused,becauseashelistenedtohersheappearedtogetnobenefitfromhissupport.Tohim
shejustseemedtobegoingdeeper.Toavoidthisconfusionamanneedstorememberthatsometimes
whenheissucceedinginsupportingawomanshemaybecomeevenmoreupset.Throughunderstanding
thatawavemusthitbottombeforeitcanriseagainhecanreleasehisexpectationsthatsheimmediately
feelbetterinresponsetohisassistance.
Withthisnewinsight,BillwasabletobemoreunderstandingandpatientwithMary.Afterbecomingmuch
moresuccessfulinsupportingMaryinherwell,healsolearnedthattherewasnowaytopredicthowlong
shewouldbeupset;sometimesherwellwasdeeperthanatothertimes.
RECURRINGCONVERSATIONSANDARGUMENTS...........................................................................
When awoman comes outofthewellshe becomes her usual loving selfagain. Thispositive shiftis
generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering her is now
completelyhealedorresolved.Thisisnotthecase.Itisanillusion.Becausesheissuddenlymoreloving
andpositivehemistakenlythinksallherissuesareresolved.
When herwavecrashes again, similarissueswillarise. When herissuescomeupagain he becomes
impatient,becausehethinkstheyhavealreadybeenresolved.Withoutunderstandingthewave,hefindsit
hardtovalidateandnurtureherfeelingswhilesheisinthe"well".
Whenawoman'sunresolvedfeelingsrecur,hemayrespondinappropriatelybysaying:
1 ."Howmanytimesdowehavetogothroughthis?"
2 ."I'veheardallthisbefore."
3 ."Ithoughtwehadestablishedthat."
4 ."Whenareyougoingtogetoffit?"