encouragedbytherealization thatshewasfightingtobeheard,justashewasfightingtobefree. He
learnedthatbysupportingherneedtobeheardshecouldsupporthisneedtobefree.
CathyunderstoodthatHarrisdidnotmeantoinvalidateherhurtfeelings.Inadditionsheunderstoodthat
thoughhewaspullingawayhewouldbebackandtheywouldbeabletoexperienceintimacyagain.She
realized thattheir increased intimacy hadtriggered his need to pullaway. Shelearned thather hurt
feelingsmadehimfeelcontrolled,andheneededtofeelshewasnottryingtotellhimwhathecoulddo.
What a Man Can Do When He Can't Listen
Harrisasked,"WhatifIjustcan'tlistenandIneedtobeinmycave?Sometimes,IstarttolistenandI
becomefurious."
Iassuredhimthatthisisnormal.Whenherwavecrashesandsheneedstobeheardthemost,sometimes
his rubber band is triggered and he needs to pull away. He cannot give her what she needs. He
emphaticallyagreedandsaid,"Yes,that'sright.WhenIwanttopullaway,shewantstotalk."
Whenamanneedstopullawayandawomanneedstotalk,histryingtolistenonlymakesmattersworse.
After a shorttime he either will be judging her and possibly explode with anger or he will become
incredibly tired or distracted, and she willbecome more upset. When he is not capable of listening
attentivelywithcaring,understanding,andrespect,thesethreeactionscanhelp:
THREESTEPSFORSUPPORTINGHERWHENHENEEDSTOPULLAWAY
1 .AcceptYourLimitations
Thefirstthingyouneedtodoisacceptthatyouneedtopullawayandhavenothingtogive.Nomatter
howlovingyouwanttobe,youcannotlistenattentively.Don'ttrytolistenwhenyoucan't.
2 .UnderstandHerPain
Next,youneedtounderstandthatsheneedsmorethanyoucangiveatthismoment.Herpainisvalid.
Don'tmakeherwrongforneedingmoreorforbeinghurt.Ithurtstobeabandonedwhensheneedsyour
love.Youarenotwrongforneedingspace,andsheisnotwrongforwantingtobeclose.Youmaybe
afraidthatshewillnotforgiveyouortrust.Shecanbemoretrustingandforgivingifyouarecaringand
understandingofherhurt.
3 .AvoidArguingandGiveReassurance
Byunderstandingherhurtyouwon'tmakeherwrongforbeingupsetandinpain.Althoughyoucan'tgive
thesupportshewantsandneeds,youcanavoidmakingitworsebyarguing.Reassureherthatyouwillbe
back,andthenyouwillbeabletogiveherthesupportshedeserves.