emotionallysheisstillhurtinganddoesn'twanttohearfromhimthatsheshouldn'thehurting.Whatshe
needsishisunderstandingofwhysheishurting.
Why Men and Women Fight
HarriscompletelymisunderstoodCathy'shurtreaction.HethoughtshewasdemandingthathegiveupTV
forever.Cathywasn'tdemandingthatHarrisgiveupTV.Shejustwantedhimtoknowhowpainfulitwas
forher.
Womeninstinctivelyknowthatifonlytheirpaincanbeheardthentheycantrusttheirpartnertomake
whateverchangeshecanmake.WhenCathysharedherhurt,shejustneededtobeheardandthenbe
reassured thathewasn'tpermanentlyrevertingback totheoldHarris, addictedtoTVandemotionally
unavailable.
CertainlyHarrisdeservedtowatchTV,butCathydeservedtherighttobeupset.Shedeservedtobeheard,
understood,andreassured. HarriswasnotwrongforwatchingTV,andCathy wasnotwrongforbeing
upset.
BecauseHarrisdidnotunderstandCathy'swave,hethoughtherreactionwasunfair.Hethoughthehadto
invalidateherfeelingsifhewantedtotaketimetowatchTV.Hebecameirritableandthought,Ican'tbe
lovingandintimateallthetime!
HarrisfelthehadtomakeherfeelingswrongtogaintherighttowatchTVandlivehislifeandbehimself.
HearguedforhisrighttowatchTVwhenCathyjustneededtobeheard.Shearguedfortherighttobe
hurtandupset.
RESOLVINGCONFLICTSTHROUGHUNDERSTANDING....................................................................
ItwasnaiveforHarristothinkthatCathy'sanger,resentment,andfeelingsofpowerlessnessfrombeing
neglectedfortwelveyearsweregoingtogoawayaftertwoweeksofbeinginlove.
ItwasequallynaiveforCathytothinkthatHarriscouldsustainhisfocusonherandthefamilywithout
takingtimetopullawayandfocusonhimself.
WhenHarrisstartedtopullawayittriggeredCathy'swavetocrash.Herunresolvedfeelingsstartedcoming
up.ShewasnotjustreactingtoHarriswatchingTVthatnightbuttotheyearsofbeingneglected.Their
argumentturnedintoyelling.Aftertwohoursofyellingtheyweren'ttalkingtoeachother.
By understandingthebiggerpictureofwhathadhappened,theywereabletoresolvetheirconflictand
makeup. Harris understood that when hestarted to pull away it triggered Cathy's time to do some
emotional housecleaning. She needed to talk about herfeelingsand not bemadewrong. Harris was