Don’t Resist Anger, Defuse It 157
I can see why you would see it that way.You have put a lot of energy into this business.You’re right, you do work hard.All her phrases were chosen to acknowledge Mickey’s perspec-
tive without invalidating her own.
After a full hour, Mickey calmed down. Carmen saw the
opportunity to present her proposal. She asked,
Are you open to hearing my ideas of how we can divide
things up?Mickey replied, “Yeah, I suppose.” Carmen calmly presented
her plan (which had been carefully crafted to reflect his think-
ing and needs in the situation as well as her own). She was
stunned when Mickey said, “That sounds acceptable.”
Carmen found the answer to dealing with Mickey’s anger—
and it wasn’t painkillers! She learned the power of not resisting
anger, but defusing it instead.
Carmen had discovered that her previous responses to
Mickey had only fueled his anger. Carmen also discovered that
when she did not react to Mickey, he calmed down. Carmen
realized she had the power to defuse his anger if she could find
the power in herself to resist making counter-attacks.
There is great power in non-resistance. Gandhi knew it.
Martin Luther King, Jr. knew it. I bet you know it too, and for-
get when the heat is on. It pays to remember.