Don’t Resist Anger, Defuse It 159
The error may be the issue for you, but if it was the apology
that got her bent into a pretzel, say,
Accountability is important to you, and by not apolo-
gizing I can see that I was not accountable.Let your words be specific to their needs.
PowerPhrases to Handle an Angry
Person Are Targeted
Sometimes people accuse me of contradicting myself. I say you
don’t have to put up with put-downs. Then I say when some-
one is venting anger you need to put your reactions on hold
while she hurls accusations at you in a not-so-gracious way.
What’s real?
PowerPhrases are purposeful. When someone is angry, she
is not open to hearing you. When someone is angry, your first
step is to defuse the anger and to calm the person down. That
usually means you need to listen first and acknowledge the
anger. It occasionally means to stand up to her about how she
is speaking, but it never means arguing with her.
People are the least loveable when they need love the most.
An angry person often needs love, acceptance, or at least
acknowledgement to be open to hearing what you have to say.
Do what works. Say,
I want to resolve this because I like working with you
and don’t want anything to upset that.I’m sorry this misunderstanding happened because I
care about our relationship.