social circle would be impoverished. There was, however, one thing she would not put up with:
People who made her feel bad about herself.
We all know these people. They can be brilliant, charming, and fun, but after being with
them, you feel diminished. You may ask: “Am I just doing a number on myself?” But it is often
them, trying to build themselves up by establishing their superiority and your inferiority. It could
be by actively putting you down, or it could be by the careless way they treat you. Either way,
you are a vehicle for (and a casualty of) confirming their worth.
I was at a friend’s fiftieth-birthday party and her sister gave a speech, supposedly in her
honor. Her sister talked about my friend’s insatiable sexual appetite and how lucky it was she
found a younger man to marry who could handle it. “All in good fun,” she took care of my
friend’s looks, brains, and mothering skills. After this tribute, I suddenly recalled the saying
“With friends like this, you don’t need enemies.”
It’s difficult to realize when friends don’t wish you well. One night I had the most vivid
dream. Someone, someone I knew well, came into my house and one by one took all my prized
possessions. In the dream I could see what was happening, but I couldn’t see who it was. At one
point, I asked the intruder: “Couldn’t you please leave that one, it means a lot to me.” But the
person just kept taking everything of value. The next morning I realized who it was and what it
meant. For the past year a close friend had been calling upon me constantly to help him with his
work. I obliged. He was under a great deal of stress, and I was at first happy to use whatever
skills I had for his benefit. But it was endless, it was not reciprocal, and on top of that he
punished me for it: “Don’t think you could ever do work this good. You can help me polish my
work, but you could never be this creative.” He needed to reduce me so he wouldn’t feel one
down. My dream told me it was time to draw the line.
I’m afraid that in the fixed mindset, I was also a culprit. I don’t think I put people down,
but when you need validation, you use people for it. One time, when I was a graduate student, I
was taking the train to New York and sat next to a very nice businessman. In my opinion, we
chatted back and forth pleasantly through the hour-and-a-half journey, but at the end he said to
me, “Thank you for telling me about yourself.” It really hit me. He was the dream
validator—handsome, intelligent, successful. And that’s what I had used him for. I had shown no
interest in him as a person, only in him as a mirror of my excellence. Luckily for me, what he
mirrored back was a far more valuable lesson.
Conventional wisdom says that you know who your friends are in your times of need.
And of course this view has merit. Who will stand by you day after day when you’re in trouble?
However, sometimes an even tougher question is: Who can you turn to when good things
happen? When you find a wonderful partner. When you get a great job offer or promotion. When
your child does well. Who would be glad to hear it?
Your failures and misfortunes don’t threaten other people’s self-esteem. Ego-wise, it’s
easy to be sympathetic to someone in need. It’s your assets and your successes that are problems
for people who derive their self-esteem from being superior.
SHYNESS
In some ways, shyness is the flip side of what we’ve been talking about. We’ve been
examining people who use others to buoy themselves up. Shy people worry that others will bring
them down. They often worry about being judged or embarrassed in social situations.
People’s shyness can hold them back from making friends and developing relationships.
When they’re with new people, shy people report that they feel anxious, their hearts race, they
blush, they avoid eye contact, and they may try to end the interaction as soon as possible.
wang
(Wang)
#1