Wetzler slowly helped George get over his exclusive focus on being judged. Jean, he
came to see, was not out to judge and humiliate him, but was trying to get to know him. With the
focus switched from being judged to developing a relationship, George was eventually able to
reciprocate. Despite his anxiety, he approached Jean, apologized for his rude behavior, and asked
her to lunch. She accepted. What’s more, she was not nearly as critical as he feared.
BULLIES AND VICTIMS: REVENGE REVISITED
We’re back to rejection, because it’s not just in love relationships that people experience
terrible rejections. It happens every day in schools. Starting in grade school, some kids are
victimized. They are ridiculed, tormented, and beaten up, not for anything they’ve done wrong. It
could be for their more timid personality, how they look, what their background is, or how smart
they are (sometimes they’re not smart enough; sometimes they’re too smart). It can be a daily
occurrence that makes life a nightmare and ushers in years of depression and rage.
To make matters worse, schools often do nothing about it. This is because it’s often done
out of sight of teachers or because it’s done by the school’s favorite students, such as the jocks.
In this case, it may be the victims, not the bullies, who are considered to be the problem kids or
the misfits.
As a society, we’ve paid little attention until recently. Then came the school shootings.
At Columbine, the most notorious one, both boys had been mercilessly bullied for years. A
fellow bullying victim describes what they endured in their high school.
In the hallways, the jocks would push kids into lockers and call them demeaning names
while everyone laughed at the show. At lunch the jocks would knock their victims’ food trays
onto the floor, trip them, or pelt them with food. While the victims were eating, they would be
pushed down onto the table from behind. Then in the locker rooms before gym class, the bullies
would beat the kids up because the teachers weren’t around.
Who Are the Bullies?
Bullying is about judging. It’s about establishing who is more worthy or important. The
more powerful kids judge the less powerful kids. They judge them to be less valuable human
beings, and they rub their faces in it on a daily basis. And it’s clear what the bullies get out of it.
Like the boys in Sheri Levy’s study, they get a boost in self-esteem. It’s not that bullies are low
in self-esteem, but judging and demeaning others can give them a self-esteem rush. Bullies also
gain social status from their actions. Others may look up to them and judge them to be cool,
powerful, or funny. Or may fear them. Either way, they’ve upped their standing.
There’s a big dose of fixed-mindset thinking in the bullies: Some people are superior and
some are inferior. And the bullies are the judges. Eric Harris, one of the Columbine shooters, was
their perfect target. He had a chest deformity, he was short, he was a computer geek, and he was
an outsider, not from Colorado. They judged him mercilessly.
Victims and Revenge
The fixed mindset may also play a role in how the victim reacts to bullying. When people
feel deeply judged by a rejection, their impulse is to feel bad about themselves and to lash out in
bitterness. They have been cruelly reduced and they wish to reduce in return. In our studies, we
have seen perfectly normal people—children and adults—respond to rejection with violent
fantasies of revenge.
Highly educated, well-functioning adults, after telling us about a serious rejection or
betrayal, say and mean “I wanted him dead” or “I could easily have strangled her.”
When we hear about acts of school violence, we usually think it’s only bad kids from bad
homes who could ever take matters into their own hands. But it’s startling how quickly average,
wang
(Wang)
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