became more familiar, she was just relaxing and letting herself
vent the frustrations of the day through focusing on the negat-
ive.
Certainly, sharing the frustrations of the day is an important
part of a relationship, but it should not be attempted until stage
four of a relationship. In stage three, both partners develop
the habit of expressing their most positive side. Once that be-
comes automatic, then they are ready to balance the scales by
sharing their negative feelings as well. Then she will have the
sensitivity to make sure he feels acknowledged for providing
such a nice dinner and he will have the understanding that
she is not being critical of him.
When Ed Paid for the TicketsIn the beginning, Ed paid for the theater tickets and Elaine
seemed impressed and appreciative. After they had dated for
a few months, she got used to his paying for dates and began
to respond as if he was supposed to do it. Even though up to
stage four the man is supposed to, it should never be taken for
granted, even if the woman is also doing things for him.
After Elaine realized that she was taking Ed for granted, she
was immediately able to respond differently. Not only did she
start smiling and thanking him, but she was careful to be re-
sponsive whenever he did something for her. When he planned
a date, she was careful to say she was glad that he had taken
the time to plan it.
Sometimes even if she thought it wasn’t such a great idea,
she appreciated his effort and went along, only to be surprised
that she had a really good time. She began really to appreciate
not having to think and plan all the time. That in itself was
more important than planning the perfect date. Ed loved it
and was always thinking of things they could do
STAGE THREE: EXCLUSIVITY / 87