return. On her way up, she is not expecting more, but if she
has given more than she feels she has gotten, she will feel re-
sentful when the wave crashes. She may be resentful toward
practically anything: her partner, her life, her job, his job, the
weather, the waiter in the restaurant, her parents, the traffic,
and so on. A man must be careful not to judge her or condemn
her for being too negative or unreasonable, and he should not
try to talk her out of her feelings.
If she says, “I hate my boss. I can’t
believe how much he expects me to do.
He left me a memo saying...”DON’T SAY DO SAY
“I think it’s really unfair. How
can he say that?”“I don’t think your boss means
to wear you out. He likes you.”
“He doesn’t recognize how
much you do. You do so
much. What does he want?”
Then listen and let her talk
more.“He probably doesn’t know
how much you’re already do-
ing. He just expects you to do
your best.”“It’s awful—doesn’t he see
how much you’re doing?”
Then listen and let her talk
more.“You should tell him you just
can’t do more. Just say no.”“Hummph, he expects too
much. You deserve some time
off. When do you rest?” Then
listen and let her talk more.“You should tell him how
busy you are. Then he
wouldn’t give you so much
more to do.”STAGE FOUR: INTIMACY / 99