IF HE IS IN STAGE FOUR (INTIMACY) and she reacts as if she is in
stage five (engagement), then he might feel, Why should we
do anything to upset the applecart? Everything is fine. Let’s
not change anything. In this case, her being in a higher stage
may prevent him from feeling the depth of longing, deep in
his soul, necessary for him to decide that he wants to share his
whole life with her. As a result, he may never feel a need to
propose and become engaged.
IF HE IS IN STAGE THREE (EXCLUSIVITY) and she reacts to him as
if she is in stage four (intimacy) or stage five (engagement),
then his reaction might be, This relationship will be just fine
for a while. Although he remains exclusively committed, he
is not wanting more. His tendency will be to coast and take
her for granted. He will have a greater tendency to give up
doing all the little romantic things he did in the earlier stages.
This passivity will cause him to keep noticing other women
and eventually prevent her from feeling her love for him. When
her bubble bursts, they will tend to go their separate ways.
IF HE IS IN STAGE TWO (UNCERTAINTY) and she reacts to him as
if she is in stage three, four, or five, then his reaction might be,
I sure don’t want to disappoint her or hurt her; I’d better not
call. I don’t want to lead her on. Or he might think, She expects
a lot. I don’t think I’m ready for that. Although it is perfectly
normal for a man in stage two to doubt a woman, if she is re-
acting from a higher stage, his desire to become exclusive will
be influenced by the imminent possibility of hurting her if he
were to end the relationship or of disappointing her if he did
move on to the next stage.
134 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.