can make a woman feel she doesn’t have the right to feel un-
certain. As a result, she never gets the chance to find the assur-
ance from within herself that she is ready to move into an ex-
clusive relationship.
WHEN A WOMAN IS IN STAGE ONE (ATTRACTION) and a man
behaves as if he is uncertain, then she may feel, He must not
care that much. Even though I am attracted to him, I’m tired
of giving out my card; I want a man to pursue me. Other times
she may feel, Maybe he’s just really shy; I’ll flirt with him, and
if he still doesn’t ask for my number I’ll give him my card. In
either case, his being uncertain will prevent her from feeling
more receptive to him. In some cases it may prompt her to
pursue him, and then inevitably the attraction will dissipate.
When she is in stage one and he behaves as if he is in stage
three, four, or five, once again it is very hard for her to trust
him. She senses that he needs so much from her that she is
turned off. Or she may sense that he wants her so much that
if she were to say no he would be hurt. She then feels protective
of him, similar to how a woman feels protective of a child, and
the attraction is automatically lessened. This is when she wants
to be just friends.
In all of these examples, a couple’s ability to move through the
five stages is restricted when one partner is too eager. It can
also be that both partners are too eager and they skip stages
together. This does not necessarily mean that they will not
make it through all the stages, but it does mean that they will
not gain the insights and ability necessary to build a strong
foundation for the relationship to grow. They may even get
married, but because they were not prepared, the inevitable
problems and challenges that arise will be more difficult to
deal with.
140 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.