would instinctively feel something was missing. He would
want to go all the way sexually. Similarly, a woman wants to
go all the way emotionally and get married. It is a common
tragedy—a woman wants to get married and a man doesn’t
want to make that step.
Marriage is to women what sex is to men.When a woman is ready for stage five and a man stays in
stage four, at a certain point the woman will make the mistake
of either passively accepting his wants by denying her need
to get married, or demanding that he marry her. Neither ap-
proach tends to work, as men don’t respond well to ultimat-
ums. Besides, what woman feels thrilled when her partner
gives in to her pressure and agrees to marry her? A marriage
proposal, just like a woman’s acceptance of the proposal,
should be a free and joyful expression of our heart’s desire,
not an obligation.
Men don’t respond well to ultimatums;
a marriage proposal should be the free and
joyful expression of our heart’s desire.Fortunately, there is another alternative to giving an ultimat-
um or denying one’s need: a woman can move back a stage.
Instead of being in stage five and demanding that her partner
move on with her, she can move back to stage four—intim-
acy—and share how she feels in a nondemanding way without
blaming him. Men respond much better when they are seen
not as the problem but as the solution.
Men respond much better when they are seen
not as the problem but as the solution.144 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.