ahead too fast and you decide to move back, your partner may
feel that you are taking something away. This can in itself
create new problems.
When a man has been very attentive to a woman and he
pulls back to stage one or two, it can hurt her a lot. Likewise,
when a woman has been physically intimate with a man and
she pulls back, he can easily feel that he is being unfairly
punished. In both cases, a mutual understanding of the wisdom
of the stages can make this necessary transition easier. It is
best, however, to think ahead and not move too quickly in the
first place.
A clear awareness of each of the stages assists us in making
the decision to move back and express ourselves in an appro-
priate stage. Also, when our partner has advanced too far we
have the language and understanding to ask him or her to slow
down. It is quite common in matters of love to be so enthusi-
astic that we make mistakes. Wise people forgive themselves
or their partners for these mistakes and try again.
HOW TO AVOID DIVORCE
Although most single couples are unaware of this formula, it
is applied all the time to save marriages. When a married
couple plan to get a divorce they are generally advised to
separate for several months before doing so. In some states it
is even a law that before a couple can get a divorce they must
first separate for six months. Quite often during that time they
reconsider and decide not to get a divorce.
Separation is just moving back to an earlier stage. A separ-
ated couple may go back to stage one and date others as if they
were not married at all. Sometimes after dating others for
several months they decide to get back together. By mov-
146 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.