invested successfully in his relationship. He can live out the
rest of his life benefiting from his deliberate efforts and the
hard work often required to move through the five stages.
In stage three, a man needs to realize that much more will
be required of him, but not more than he can do. His best is
good enough. As he gradually grows and can give more, his
partner can put forth more of herself in a healthy manner. As
they gradually prepare themselves in this way to experience
the growth of true intimacy in the next stage, a man’s orienta-
tion toward the relationship has a chance to change.
HOW A MAN’S EXPERIENCE CHANGES
By continuing to put his best foot forward, a man experiences
that he has the power to bring out the best of his partner. He
also likes doing it. Although it requires effort and attention,
he is strengthened by it. When a man feels confident and pur-
poseful, he enjoys exerting himself.
Just as working out and exercising his muscles will make
him stronger and will eventually feel good, a man finds that
he has a tremendous power to provide in stage three. The rela-
tionship muscles he builds in stage three give him the strength
to move through stages four and five.
By deliberately putting forth his energy and attention to
fulfill a woman’s romantic needs long after a woman has ac-
cepted him, a man trains himself to experience that the little
romantic gestures of dating are not just to win a woman over
but are actually required and necessary to sustain her respons-
iveness.
Instead of planning a date because he knows she will be
impressed, he plans a date because it nurtures the woman he
cares for and that makes him feel good. As he experiences re-
peated success in stage three, giving in romantic ways becomes
automatic for him.
70 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.