“Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had the habit of bullying people
around. I’ve tried hard to rein in this pattern, because I’ve paid a
price for it. But when I find myself under stress or strain, that pushy,
abrasive voice seems to come flying out of my mouth before I can
catch it. I immediately see in the eyes of my people that, although
they are compliant with my directions, they resent my manner. It
annoys me that I don’t exercise more control with this pattern.”
—Randy, Director of SalesEach day offers manifold opportunities for practicing emotionally in-
telligent responses. Chances are good that, at some time during this day,
you will be confronted with tension, stress, or negativity in a conversation.
You will encounter an opportunity to offer feedback to another person’s
complaint. Take the conversational quiz in Figure 27.2 and write a response
for each scenario that demonstrates tact and emotional consideration and
awareness.
The two basic premises for emotionally intelligent communication habits
that arise from this chart are:
- Don’t tell other people how to feel. Let them tell you.
- Take ownership for how you feel. Don’t blame anyone or anything.
DON’T TELL ME HOW I FEEL
A statement as innocuous as “You’re really going to love this” may of-
fend the party you are dealing with (an exception is the person you know
like the back of your hand). A safer approach would be, “I thought you
might like this idea, so I’d like to run it past you for your opinion.” People
bridle against others weighing in for them on opinions, likes, and dislikes.
It is always safer to ask than to assume.
A tendency in strong and forceful personalities is to offer unsolicited
advice. When people are told what to do, they often respond emotionally
like a rebellious teenager (even if the advice is right on). In this case, the
advice is not a hindrance but rather the manner in which it is delivered. It
is always safer to use the Socratic method—asking questions that lead the
individuals to discover the advice for themselves.
It is uncomfortable to be around a person who is venting negative emo-
tions, because we feel we are being saturated with negativity while listening.
Consequently, we often try to turn off the gushing fire hydrant with a big
wrench that says, “Get a hold of yourself!” or “That’s ridiculous.” This sort
of response tells people how they should feel about their predicament,
which is of no value to them. Responding in such a manner is only for our
246 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE