“response-able.” Great freedom comes when we are willing to own our own
thoughts, feelings, words, and emotions. We become free to choose our
own actionsand reactions.
How many times have we played the “dumb and dumber” game? “You
spoke rudely to me, so I’m going to show you what real rudeness looks
like!” “I see your hostility and raise it by two units!” Our dumb and dumber
reactions show that we are as guilty of a lack of control as the person we
are angry with. It has been said that we are only as big as the thing or per-
son that makes us angry. How then can we measure up? By taking respon-
sibility for our reactions—no matter what sort of provocation may precede
them. My actions are mine. Your actions are yours. I’ll be responsible for
my behavior.
“So and so makes me angry every time he opens his mouth.” Does he?
Or does “so and so” arouse the anger response in you, and you yield to it?
The old lesson about using I statements to own your anger applies here. Not,
“You make me mad,” but, “I feel angry when I hear you say.. .” The bot-
tom line is: I allow you to make myself angry with you. I own that reaction. If
you struggle with that sort of emotional responsibility, then you are saying
that, in your particular situation, anger is the only possible response. There
is no situation where anger is the only possible response.
CANCELING DEMANDS
“ Anger is the curse of interpersonal relations.”
—HARRY STACK SULLIVANAuthor David Augsberger postulated, “Freedom from being dominated
by anger begins by tracking down the demands made on others. Recognizing
them, admitting them out loud, speeds up the process of owning the anger.
One has the choice: (1) to negotiate the demands that matter or (2) to can-
cel the ones that don’t.”
If Augsberger is correct, then we can cancel out a large portion of the
anger we carry by simply canceling out the demands we carry on others.
Anger is a demand. I may “demand” that a client hear me, or respect me,
or use my suggestions. I may “demand” that my boss see my worth or rec-
ognize my accomplishments. Simply cancel the demands, and the anger
goes with them.
Emotionally intelligent individuals recognize that, although they cannot
control their emotional systems’ initial reactions, they can control and regu-
late subsequent reactions, thereby modulating their bodies’ anger/chemistry
Six Seconds of Sabotage / From Anger to Danger 67