12.3
TRIANGULATION: THE SUREST WAY
TO DAMAGE A RELATIONSHIP
Inspired by Harriet Lerner.“I’m just more comfortable talking about people behind their backs.”
—the character of George Costanza as played
by Jason Alexander on SeinfeldThe term triangulationrefers to talking with a third person to complain or to put down anoth-
er person with whom you are having a disagreement. We all triangulate a little every now and
then; it’s only human. In some organizations, however, people “recreationally bitch” about
others as a matter of habit! Healthy work environments have less triangulation than do orga-
nizations in which people are feeling worthless, unappreciated, powerless, and frustrated. It’s
not that triangulation causes these feelings, although it ensures that they fester and spread;
rather, it is that we tend to triangulate when we’re feeling overcontrolled, unproductive, and
undervalued. Leaders, above all people, can ill afford to triangulate! Doing so destroys work-
groups and teams and sets a poor example for others to follow.
Here’s an illustration of triangulation: Person A(in the diagram) has problems with Person
B.Person Athen talks with Person C.Person Amight say something like, “You won’t believe
what Bis up to now!” or, “This has got to be one of B’s biggest screw-ups yet!” Person C has
become engaged, often unwittingly, in the triangle, with A trying to get C to confirm a posi-
tion about B.
It takes courage and skill to confront people directly, particularly when trust is low or
you’re engaged emotionally (e.g., angry, hurt, frustrated). Thus, in this example, it’s easier for
Person Ato complain to Person C,rather than to deal directly with Person B.
SECTION 12 TOOLS FORLEADINGRELATIONSHIPS 369
TriangulationA BC
Conflict