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CHAPTER 9

Romantic Relationships

M

y husband had a number of friends from work with whom we occasionally

got together. One of these friends was Bill. My husband had known Bill for

about a year, and to his knowledge (or anyone else’s), Bill was not romanti-

cally involved with anyone. Bill was from India and had gone home for a two-week

vacation. When Bill returned, he was married.

This was an arranged marriage, a concept foreign to people in the Western world.

Marriage without love? Without romance? It may surprise you to know that romantic

relationships are a relatively recent phenomenon even in the United States (Murstein,

1974). Historically, people turned to friends and relatives rather than a spouse for love

and emotional support. The functions of marriage were specific: economic security

and procreation. Love was not among these functions. One reason love did not play a

significant role in marriage is that it was thought to threaten family bonds, which were

more important for position in society at that time.

Even a few hundred years ago, love was largely independent of and antithetical

to marriage. When two people fell in love, it was regarded as a problem. Parents were

concerned about controlling this “dangerous passion.” In the 19th century, spouses

were polite to one another and, ideally, compatible, but they led largely separate lives.

Even by the mid-19th century, love was not a prerequisite to marriage. Love was ex-

pected to follow rather than precede marriage. When individual choice did emerge in

the 19th century, people generally chose their partner based on character, health, reli-

gious morals, and financial stability. These were the same factors that guided parents’

choices. Choosing a partner based on physical passion was not at all acceptable.

During the latter part of the 19th century and in the 20th century, the idea of mar-

riage based on love developed. This coincided with American women’s increase in free-

dom and status. The 20th century became known as the century of the “love marriage.”

Today, the practical functions of marriage have been replaced with more emotional

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