APRIL 9
I must force myself to look upon the familiar things, the coat
hanging on the chair, the hat in the hall...To ease the pain I
took over some of his things for myself. I wore his shirts, sat
at his writing desk, used his pens to acknowledge the hun-
dreds of letters of condolence; and by the very process of
identification with the objects he had touched, felt the closer
to him.
—DAPHNE DU MAURIERWhat to do about the things? For some people they are a
comfort, an aid to healing. For others, to dwell upon the
objects associated with the loved one is to be caught in a
vise of anguishing memory and pain.
Each of us has to find his or her own way. Try something,
and if that doesn’t work, try something else. When our
daughter died, we quickly gave away most of her
clothes—some to particular friends, some to a charity organ-
ization. But we saved a few, putting them away in a drawer
so we could see them if we wanted, but weren’t face-to-face
with them all the time. We saved some things to give away
as occasions arose—a jewelry box with her name to go later
to another loved child of the same name, a British coin to
wear in someone else’s wedding shoe. Some we kept, and
the comfort and pleasure they bring grow as the pain of her
not-being-here has become softer, more mellow.
I can take my time, disposing of the things as I am ready.