• Not saying “I love you”—while implying that you do have
  feelings toward the other person.


• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling
  for several days after an intimate date).


• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as
  with someone who is married.


• “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to
  you.


• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain
  your feeling of independence.


• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share
  the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several
  strides ahead of your partner.
  If you’re avoidant, these small everyday deactivating strategies are
  tools you unconsciously use to make sure the person that you love (or
  will love) won’t get in the way of your autonomy. But at the end of the
  day, these tools are standing in the way of you being happy in a
  relationship.
  The use of deactivating strategies alone is not enough to keep
  attachment at bay. They’re just the tip of the iceberg. As an avoidant,
  your mind is governed by overarching perceptions and beliefs about
  relationships that ensure a disconnect with your partner and get in the
  way of your happiness.

THOUGHT PATTERNS THAT LEAVE YOU OUT IN

THE COLD

As an avoidant, you have a skewed perspective of the things that your
partner says and does. The unnerving part is that you’re almost entirely
unconscious of these unconstructive thought patterns.

Mistaking Self-Reliance for Independence