Attached

Campbell and Carol Wilson—found that during the shift into
parenthood, anxiously attached women were more likely to move
toward security in their interactions with their partners if they perceived
their spouses as available, supportive, and accepting during
pregnancy—all secure traits. In other words, secure adults’ sensitivity
and encouragement have the same effect on their partners as the
secure mother’s on her infant, enough to create a shift in their partners’
attachment style.
A word of caution, however. Sometimes secure people, despite
their innate talent for warding off potentially unsuitable matches and
making their partners more secure, can find themselves in bad
relationships. This can happen not only when they’re inexperienced but
also when they respond to their long-term partner’s unacceptable
behavior, by continuing to give them the benefit of the doubt and
tolerate their actions.
Nathan, 35, was at his wits’ end. In the eight years since he’d
married Shelly, things had gone from bad to worse. Shelly’s temper
tantrums, rare at first, now occurred almost daily. Her outbursts also
increased in severity; she broke household objects and on one
occasion even slapped him. But the problems in their relationship
didn’t end there. Nathan not only caught her having online affairs, but
strongly suspected that she was having real-life ones as well. Though
Shelly threatened to leave many times—almost as if she was testing
Nathan’s patience and tolerance—she didn’t pick up and move out. He
was sure that once this “period” was over, everything would return to
normal. He also saw himself as responsible for Shelly’s well-being and
didn’t want to abandon her when she was going through such a “rough
patch.” So he put up with the abuse and the affairs. Finally, Shelly
announced that she no longer loved him, had met someone else, and
was ending the marriage. Once Shelly decided to leave, Nathan
accepted her decision and didn’t try to win her back.
Now with the divorce behind him, Nathan is relieved that Shelly took
matters into her own hands and freed him from a difficult existence.
He’s even open to meeting a new person and making her part of his
life. But he still finds it hard to explain what kept him there for so long.
Attachment theory offers an explanation. For one, as we’ve seen,