• Never taking blame for a date’s offensive behavior. When
  a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secures
  acknowledge that it says a lot about the other person
  rather than about themselves.


• Expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and love.

DOES THIS MEAN THAT SECURES ARE IMMUNE

TO RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS?

Secure people don’t always hook up with one another—they date and
marry people of all three attachment styles. The good news is that if
you’re secure, you have the potential to get along with people who
have anxious or avoidant attachment styles—but only if you are able to
maintain your secure frame of mind. If you find yourself becoming less
secure, not only do you lose a priceless gift, but you also experience
less happiness and satisfaction in your relationships.
If you’re secure, one of the reasons you’re able to maintain a
satisfying relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment
style is because he or she will gradually become more secure as a
result of being with you. When you date someone anxious, this is most
often what happens. One of the things that Mary Ainsworth observed in
the mother-infant relationship was that secure mothers were a special
breed. It’s not that they tended more to their children, or held them
more than mothers of anxious or avoidant children, but they seemed to
possess a kind of “sixth sense” and intuitively knew when the child
wanted to be held. They sensed their child’s emerging distress and
acted on it before it turned into a full-blown fit. And if the child did get
distressed, they just seemed to know how to soothe her.
We find this phenomenon in adult couples too. Secure adults
naturally know how to soothe their partners and take care of them—it’s
an innate talent. This can be seen in the couple’s transition to
parenthood. Jeffry Simpson from the University of Minnesota and
Steven Rholes from Texas A&M University—coeditors of the book
Attachment Theory and Close Relationships, together with Lorne