Attached

partner truly wants intimacy, the other feels very uncomfortable when
things become too close. This is often the case when one of the
partners in a bond is avoidant and the other is either anxious or secure
—but it’s most pronounced when one partner is avoidant and the other
anxious.
Research on attachment repeatedly shows that when your need for
intimacy is met and reciprocated by your partner, your satisfaction
level will rise. Incongruent intimacy needs, on the other hand, usually
translate into substantially lower satisfaction. When couples disagree
about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship,
the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue. We call
this situation the “anxious-avoidant trap,” because like a trap, you fall
into it with no awareness, and like a trap, once you’re caught, it’s hard
to break free.
The reason people in an anxious-avoidant relationship find it
particularly hard to move toward more security is primarily because
they are trapped in a cycle of exacerbating each other’s insecurities.
Take a look at the diagram on page 158. People with an anxious
attachment style (lower circle on the right) cope with threats to the
relationship by activating their attachment system—trying to get close
to their partner. People who are avoidant (lower circle on the left) have
the opposite reaction. They cope with threats by deactivating—taking
measures to distance themselves from their partners and “turn off ”
their attachment system. Thus the closer the anxious tries to get, the
more distant the avoidant acts. To make matters worse, one partner’s
activation further reinforces the other’s deactivation in a vicious cycle,
and they both remain within the relationship “danger zone.” In order to
move toward more security—the safe zone in the diagram—both
members of the couple need to find a way to feel less threatened, get
less activated/deactivated, and get out of the danger zone.
THE NUTS AND BOLTS OF THE ANXIOUS - AVOIDANT TRAP