WHEN FACEBOOK AND “ABANDONMENT”

ISSUES MEET

Naomi, 33, and Kevin, 30, have been seeing each other exclusively
for six months and have a couple of disagreements they can’t
resolve. Naomi is upset that Kevin hasn’t “unfriended” a couple of ex-
girlfriends from his list on Facebook. She is convinced he is flirting
with other women. Kevin, on the other hand, doesn’t like the fact that
Naomi makes a habit of calling him whenever he’s out having drinks
with his pals, so he screens her calls. Kevin believes that Naomi has
serious abandonment issues and is overly jealous—and he
frequently tells her so. Naomi tries to control her gnawing doubts and
worries, but they just won’t go away.
There is no hard and fast relationship rule about keeping ex-
girlfriends on your Facebook account or remaining in touch with them.
There is also no right or wrong when it comes to phoning your
boyfriend when he’s out with friends. In certain situations, these
behaviors might make perfect sense. But Naomi and Kevin’s
disagreements are not really about these questions at all, and that is
why they’re unable to reach a resolution. Their conflict is about how
close and committed they want to be to each other. Kevin, who has an
avoidant attachment style, wants to keep a certain distance between
himself and Naomi, and he does so using various strategies—he
remains secretive about his comings and goings and he stays in touch
with old flames despite Naomi’s obvious discomfort. Naomi, for her
part, tries to get closer to Kevin by eliminating the barriers and
distractions he has placed between them. But without his genuine
desire to get closer, her efforts are futile; after all, it takes two willing
individuals to create intimacy.

All three cases we’ve described have one thing in common: While one